Torn between the two

I know!! Its been a while since I last posted. I believe my last post was talking about my dating experience in NC. I guess you can say that it’s still going strong but I still haven’t quite found what I’m looking for. Same conversations but different locations…lol. However, there are 2 guys that have sparked my interest in different ways. Let’s start with Guy #1, we’ll call him Mr.Right. He is everything a woman would want on paper, handsome, employed, christian and serves in church, attentive, kind and the list goes on and on. There actually isn’t enough things that I could say about him. “So what’s the problem girl”! “You better marry him”!, some women would say. The truth is, I don’t feel a strong connection when I’m with him. Sometimes I found myself getting frustrated with the fact that I don’t feel more for him. He has all the qualities that I wrote down in my journal about what I wanted in a man. I even prayed and asked God to open my heart towards him so I can finally be in the relationship that I have been hoping for. I knew he would be able to provide me all of the the things that I’ve wanted. But as the months went on and the more we hung out, my feelings remained the same. I still had the urge to want to hang around other guys. There was something that was still missing and I couldn’t put my finger on it until I started to hang out with…Mr.Wrong!

Oh don’t we all love a bad boy. Especially the good looking ones. What is it about them that make us so infatuated with them. Perhaps it’s the way they look at you when you walk in the room or how they carry themselves with a sense of confidence and pride. It’s how they command the room when they walk in and capture the attention of all the women, who know deep down “this guy is trouble”.  Yes, it’s all that and just when you think you have had your fair share of those guys in the past, you meet another who seems slightly different. Or should I say, same dog but different breed.  So, how did Mr. Wrong grab the attention of this girl, who claims to be strong, intelligent and could a spot a player from a mile way? Let’s just say, he didn’t play me…I played myself. Now, I want to go on the record by saying that this guy is not a bad guy, nor did he intentionally try to manipulate me in any way. He is like the majority of black men…broken, damaged and is trying to heal his wounds in the wrong way. If I had to be honest, no matter how highly I think of myself, I would soon discover that he and I were a lot alike. My wounds were just in a different package.  Although we were obviously attracted to each other, we enjoyed the process of getting to know one another. As the months went on, I became more vulnerable with him and my feelings grew for him tremendously. But, I still had my guard up because I knew that he had another side time. The side that I would see, when I caught his eye wondering when a woman walked by or when he hit the ignore button when a certain young lady would call. The side would come out when he would get ghost for a week or two and not respond to my texts. Even though he shared stories about his “playerlistic” ways in the past, I knew he still had it in him. So, this was the reason why I could not, absolutely not allow myself to fall for him. Now, I’m no dummy, I still dated and enjoyed my time with other guys. I even prayed really hard that Mr. Right would show me other sides to make me fall in love with him so I could be done with it all and get married and live happily ever after. But no, my heart seemingly never wanted to do what I told it too and every time I was with Mr. Right, I wanted to be with Mr. Wrong! And unfortunately for every other guy in between, they were just fillers.  So how did I play myself you ask? I played myself into thinking that I could surround myself with a man that I was immensely attracted to and think that I could keep my flesh intact. I played myself into thinking that I didn’t want anything more than just a friendship.  I played myself into thinking that I didn’t care about who else who he hung out with. And lastly, I played myself into thinking that I had the power and everything was completely in my control.
This was the biggest aha moment for me and let me tell you why…….