Ready or Not?

I’m looking for love? I just want someone who understands me? I want to be married? I’m tired of dating? I want, I need, I gotta have! These are just some of the things we say to convince ourselves that we are ready to be in a serious adult relationship. How do I know? Because I’ve said these very same things. Not only that, I’ve heard them from friends, family, younger men, older men, your momma etc.. Normally when you get a group of women together, the topic usually goes to, “I just want a good man”. And when men get together, although there are many details left out, I’m sure when a commercial break comes on during the game, the conversation may go something like..

Guy 1: “Man these women out here ain’t bout nothin”
Guy 2: “All they want is your money”
Guy 3: “And you can’t trust them”
Guy 4: “ Yo bro, the game back on”!

Pretty accurate right? However, if I was a man whisper and could hear their hearts rather than their mouths, I bet it would sound something like..

Guy 1: “I’m sure I haven’t always made the best decisions with my selection of women but I know there has to be some good ones out there”
Guy 2: “I had a couple of women who really liked extravagant things but I want to find someone who values not only her money but mine as well”
Guy 3: “The last chick cheated on me and it really messed me up. I’m scared to open my heart up to someone again because I don’t want to get hurt”
Guy 4: “Yo bro, the game back on”!

Only in a perfect world would we hear the true feelings of a man’s heart. Not saying that men don’t know how to open up, but in my experience it seems it’s as frequent as a solar eclipse. And like an eclipse, when you get a chance to witness the vulnerability of a man, it’s AMAZING! But why would a man not want to open up to a woman he is pursuing? Or why would a woman be afraid to let her guard down in a relationship? Perhaps it’s insecurity or being afraid of what the other person might be thinking? If that is the case, then how are we supposed to get love if we aren’t willing to give anything? Hmmmm…..

This leads me to pose the question, Are we really ready for love? “Of course I am”, many would say. But I’m not talking about falling in love or the lovey dovey stuff portrayed in movies. I’m speaking of real love. The type of love that will get you a couple of acres, a mule and some grandchildren. Just imagine how much commitment it takes to be with someone long enough to see your own children having children. That’s a lot of arguments, maybe some heartache, quite a few expectations not being met, with a side of tears, laughs and hopefully a whole bunch of love. This is the type of love and sacrifice that I’m afraid many people in my generation won’t get a chance to experience. Why? Because many of us want it but seem to have not a clue on what it takes to maintain it. We aren’t willing to, as Ms. Iyanla would put it, “do the work”.

As you may notice, there is no Dr. in front of my name, nor do I claim to be an expert on relationships. I can only speak from my own personal experiences and what I see going on around me. With technology today, we have more chances of meeting our mate than our parents or grandparents did. With a quick swipe of the fingertip we can find our next date for Saturday night just like that. Walla Magic! So hearing that should be refreshing, right? Yes and no. Yes because we have more options but then again, no, because we have so many options. I think knowing that we have more options, lowers our tolerance for dealing with some of the issues that comes along in a normal relationship. So our logic is when we see something we don’t like we’re on to the next. However, we all know by now that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

A guy friend and I were recently having an in depth discussion about why he is still single at 40. Yes 40! He is great looking, successful, loves the lord, nice body and NO KIDS. Did I say, no kids? Anyway, during the whole convo it appeared that his underlying reason for not being married had nothing to with him but simply because women didn’t have it together. So men, can you imagine getting to the pearly white gates and God ask you, “Son why didn’t you find your wife like I told you to” and your answer is “because the women that You created didn’t have it together”! Makes you want to laugh doesn’t it (I just did lol). Most importantly, it should make you think.

At some point in your life, you need to take responsibility for yourself and really work on becoming the man God wants you to be. And of course, the same goes for women. As much as we women want to think we got it goin on, we can also use some fine tuning as well.  So often we are looking for all of these extraordinary qualities that we want someone else to have. When we meet that person who catches our eye we immediately pull out our check list to ensure they are qualified to date us (since we are so awesome and have it all together) For men, it’s, “I want a woman who is loyal, kind, smart, driven, spiritual, good looking, not involved in drama, great communicator, strokes my ego, good listener, has a career, no kids and looks like Kim Kardashian”. Ok, maybe I overdid it with the Kim K comment but appearance is very important to a man and rightfully so. But the question I have is why should a woman with ALL of those qualities take herself off the market for someone like you. No shade! I’m just keeping it real. Do you possess the same qualities? Are you loyal? Are you kind? Do you have a career or at least in pursuit of one (see how I lowered the bar for you just now). If you met your dream girl, would you even know the things you need to change to keep her? Ladies, if you met the man of your dreams would you continue being the same or would you make some minor adjustments? “But Chyla, if she can’t love me for being myself then she ain’t the one cuz I ain’t changin’ for noboby”! I can’t tell you how many times I heard that line but here is the kicker..you said you ain’t changin’ for “nobody” and from my understanding your “dream girl” would not just be anybody. She would be THE ONE right?? So would she be the one worth changing for? If not, then you’re not really ready, are you?

To be continued…..

CK

Wait!! Let me explain…!!

So I realized that it’s been more than a year since I posted. Has it really been that long? Anyway, in my last post I spoke about being torn between two very different men. So ready for the good news…Drum roll please…both men are no longer in the picture. At least not in a romantic type of way. The good guy got engaged and married. Of course he would, he was the good guy lol. The good ones are always ready to settle down when You aren’t lol.  No hard feelings or jealousy because I knew he was ready to be married and although he is good man, he is not the one that God has for me. I also learned a couple of things about him from two of his close friends that helped me realized I possibly dodged a bullet…just saying. And so for the bad guy, well he is still single and “having fun”. He is actually someone that I still enjoy hanging out with and talking to. I’ve realized that in order for he and I to remain in each others lives, I had to view him as just a friend and not put these boyfriend expectations on him. Because he failed every time! He is someone that I can really talk to and just be myself with. Surprisingly he seems to give really good relationship advice. Smh…isn’t that Ironic.

When you learn to except people for who they really are, you are no longer living in a fantasy world. You are dealing with the reality of what the situation really is. For me, when I spoke in the previous blog about playing myself, I meant I was trying to emotionally connect myself to someone who didn’t have the mental ability to do that. I played myself into making someone commit who was not obligated to do so. I believe my aha moment came in December 2014 when he was trying to make things right after he messed up for the 20th time. During that conversation, he began to express how much he cares for me and how he doesn’t want to lose me. Blah Blah Blah. Although everything he said were things I’ve heard before. For some reason, a light bulb came on. In that moment, I heard my inner voice or perhaps God say, “Don’t you want a man who gives you every reason or excuse why HE SHOULD be with you versus reasons why he shouldn’t”? Well yes, I most certainly do. And although I appreciated Mr. Wrong for keeping it real and looking out for my well being by not attaching himself to me, I had to also keep it real with myself and realize that I needed to stop looking at the potential of what he and I could be and start looking at the reality of what the situation really was. Did I really want to waste my “good years” being with a man who could not keep his word, was always “making moves”, still “kinda” involved with other women, always having a reason on why he didn’t show up or call when he said he would. Absolutely NOT!

So it was December 2014, right before the new year when I gave that 2 year relationship over to God. That night, I remember closing my eyes peacefully and hearing God say, “Let that go my dear… I got something better in store for the new year”!