This is a first time in a while that I’ve actually allowed myself the time to think and write down my thoughts. Up until last month I haven’t felt like being the girl that everyone loves. My smile was forced and my thoughts were dark. I’ve contemplated going off the grid a couple of times and moving to a remote island but quickly snapped back to reality when I couldn’t figure out who would do my hair. Smh! There are things on TV that I never thought I would be comfortable watching that I now can’t get enough of. Fatal Attraction, Crime Watch, ID channel are just to name a few. Basically, any show where someone ends up missing or dead is my cup of tea at this moment. So what compelled me to want to dwell inside the mind of a killer? I haven’t quite figured that out yet. Should I be worried that I rather spend my nights finding out why “Jim Bob” chopped off his girlfriend’s head and hid it in the freezer than hanging out with friends, probably not lol. I know this is just a phase but it was a new behavior that I noticed.
While doing some self-reflection I have acknowledged that some of the sudden changes within comes from a place of disappointment. I noticed a difference in my demeanor after a “situation-ship” ended earlier this year. I say situation-ship because it didn’t have the chance to blossom into a relationship. He was the first person in a long time that I connected with physically, mentally and spiritually. He appeared solid when it came to his pursuit of me and relationship with Christ. Often times he would reassure me he was in it for the long haul and he would talk about the future (girls like that). He fell quick and rightfully so, but I tried to not let it scare me. In my experience, people who fall quick burn out easily and I’ve been through this before so initially my guard was all the way up.
Our conversations were very much intentional, some lighthearted but mostly serious. From the beginning, we spoke openly about our views on marriage, family, religion and what we foresaw in the future. A man with a plan is what most traditional women want and it was refreshing to witness. Slowly my guard came down. Perhaps he really did find someone he wanted to be with. Perhaps he was different from the rest and meant every thing he said. So, I stopped analyzing and questioning his motives and I allowed him to be him and pursue me in the way that he wanted. I liked it. I felt special, cared for and adored. There were some religious and cultural ideals that we disagreed on but I allowed myself to believe that as long as we both loved God, everything would work out. Aren’t I optimistic.
“Like sand through the hour glass”, so are the days that I began to notice cracks in our foundation. For a man who portrayed himself to have all this faith, he certainly allowed things that he initially said weren’t issues to slowly became road blocks in our relationship. Either he was allowing fear to get in the way or this was something he no longer wanted. I knew trying to figure it out would only drive me crazy. Even though I had my reservations about the person he was now revealing, I still wanted to fight. Wait, what exactly was I fighting for? Was it him that I really wanted or was it the feelings that I felt in the beginning. After all, It’s safe to say that we didn’t really know one another. Because if he really knew who I was, it wouldn’t have been so easy for him to walk away. But then again, people know who God is and they turn their backs on him every day.
When we were together, he would allude to having a dark side and I sometimes would catch a glimpse of it. I could sense an anger or frustration when he would speak about his faith or when we didn’t agree on something. He called it passion. Had things moved a little slower, I may have had a better understanding of where that came from. For a while after it ended, I often wished that things turned out differently. I questioned if I was enough, contemplated on what I did wrong and would often beat myself up for even having feelings for someone I barely knew. I longed for the connection that I thought he and I shared. I wondered if I mattered to him at all. Essentially, all of my insecurities that I thought I dealt with came rushing back with vengeance and it didn’t feel good.
Thank God for time right. As cliche as it sounds, time does heal wounds and allows you to see things from a new perspective. By now, I have let go of the anger and even started to have an appreciation for the brief time we shared together. What’s been helpful in my moving forward is knowing that I didn’t know everything about him and perhaps the characteristics I didn’t see, I may not have liked anyway. God has protected me from other relationships that had the potential to be detrimental so it could be possible He was stepping in again. To fully understand God, I have to trust that He knows when to move people in and out my life. I also trust that the man I’m supposed be with is not going to crumble when things get tough. I trust that he will know the difference between love and lust. I trust that he will be humble, kind and will recognize a good thing when he sees it. I trust that he will love me on the days when I’m at my best and the days where I’m unrecognizable. And Lastly, I trust that he is out there looking for someone like me because I’m waiting patiently for someone like him 🙂
Until next time…